


Racing Toward The Tallest Tree

by masterroadtripper



Series: Telling The Truth [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Autistic Evan Hansen, Gay Male Character, Gender Dysphoria, Homophobia, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Orchard, Trans Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Treebros, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, deadnaming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22825975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterroadtripper/pseuds/masterroadtripper
Summary: Connor and Evan, boyfriends from opposite sides of the tracks spend a summer apart - Evan at Ellison State Park and Connor a camp counsellor.Or, what if Evan was telling the truth about the summer he and Connor spent apart before the twelfth grade
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: Telling The Truth [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595260
Comments: 5
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

Evan smiled at his phone from his hiding spot in the old abandoned shed that he’d stumbled across on his first day at work on Sunday. He’d been spending the remainder of his shifts there every day since. The shed was actually pretty neat. He was sure that it was some old maintenance shed of some sort from back when the park had opened that had either been forgotten about or abandoned.

He had been doodling in the sketchbook he’d managed to sneak out of the house in the morning. Thankfully, his mom didn’t notice that he’d stuffed it into his work backpack, because he knew she’d start to ask questions about what or who he was drawing and would ask to see them. Both of which Evan knew he would have no idea how to answer.

Then his phone had chimed, indicating that he’d received an email from Connor. So, of course, he had to immediately check what his boyfriend had to say today. It had become a daily occurrence, their emails. They had switched from text to email back in April when Connor learned that his parents had been reading the texts. Thankfully, Evan had never once spilled the beans on anything that Connor had wanted to be secret.

> _**From** : Connor _
> 
> _**To** : Evan _
> 
> _**Subject** : Miss you already _
> 
> _Dear Evan,_
> 
> _You know, this summer is going to go by really slowly without you around._
> 
> _The camp mom and dad made me apply at isn’t half bad, I guess, but it's nothing like the orchard and hanging out with you._
> 
> _I’m back in town in a couple of weeks, if you want to hang out then._
> 
> _Everyone hangs out at the lake at night to smoke and drink. I really don’t know how I feel about that. There's this other counsellor and I think he keeps flirting with me, but once again, I really don’t know. Not that I’d ever considered flirting back because I have you._
> 
> _The stars at the lake are beautiful though. Like, there's an entire band of the milky way above my head all night. Really brings life into perspective._
> 
> _How’s Park Ranger Evan Hansen doing with his super professional job?_
> 
> _\- Sincerely me_

* * *

Connor was trying to be interesting and interact with his fellow camp counsellors. They were sitting around the lake after lights out, the alcohol and the weed getting passed around freely. Connor just didn’t see the appeal in either of those things. Instead, he let his hair fall out of its ponytail and pillow around his face and shoulders as he looked up at the stars. It was hot, really hot, in his long-sleeved shirt, but Connor really didn’t care.

Time was a mute concept as Connor stared at the stars, only shaken out of his head when he felt his phone in his pocket buzz. He huffed quietly to himself as he pulled it from the pockets of his cargo-pant-shorts. They were ridiculous, but they helped hide his hips. Connor would take it at this point.

It was an email from Evan. His first one of the day. Their schedules really didn’t line up that well anyone this summer and Connor would shoot off an email on his lunch break, which Evan would usually get back to him around this time at night. It wasn’t perfect. Not at all. But it worked. They’d have to make it work. It had to work.

> _**From** : Evan _
> 
> _**To** : Connor _
> 
> _**Subject** : Re: Miss you already_
> 
> _Dear Connor,_
> 
> _This summer is already going slowly and it's been a grand total of three days. Well, I guess technically it's been six days if you want to count Friday and the weekend. Still. How is it only the first Wednesday?_
> 
> _The state park job is going okay, I guess. I’ve managed to avoid any major contact with any park-goers so far and my boss has yet to catch on. Which is a good thing. I really don’t think I'd be able to actually tell anyone anything about trees or the park on the spot. I’d probably manage to tell them that the National tree of the USA is a Sycamore or something (its an Oak, if you wanted to know)._
> 
> _I know you don’t like camp life, but just think, these campers will remember their camp experience for the rest of their lives. I know I still remember the one sleepaway camp my mom tried to send me to in the third grade. You’re a role-model for these kids Connor. I’m sure they’ll love you._
> 
> _And the stars would be beautiful out there, wouldn’t they be? You really don’t understand how much is out there until you can see it for your own two eyes._
> 
> _I’d love to see you when you’re back in town_
> 
> _\- Sincerely me_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts, smoking weed

Something was wrong, Evan knew it.

And it wasn’t just one of his wild hunches or anxiety-fueled nightmares. No. Something was actually wrong.

He hadn’t heard from Connor in days. They were supposed to talk every night. Well, not really talk, but make weird conversations on email. He understood that Connor’s parents read his texts and the emails attached to addresses they knew, which was exactly why they had to talk over covert-email.

It wasn’t the same though. They usually only got one or two emails per day and usually never covered anything meaningful, just boring updates on their day. Evan missed the genuine conversation of talking face to face and being able to ramble about whatever he felt like.

Besides, ever since Connor had mentioned that other camp counsellor trying to flirt with him, Evan had been on edge. Very on edge.

He thought something was up. No. He knew something was up and that was why Connor had suddenly stopped emailing him. It had only been three days, but Evan needed to know. He needed to hear from Connor.

Or he could break up with Connor before he did the reverse. No. Connor would never do that. Or would he? He hadn’t exactly been sounding the greatest lately, judging from the second last email Evan had from him.

> _**From** : Connor _
> 
> _**To** : Evan _
> 
> _**Subject** : stars and planets _
> 
> _Dear Evan,_
> 
> _The universe is really big. Like...really big. It makes you realize just how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things._
> 
> _One in a couple thousand at school, never noticed, just *there.* One in 7 billion on this planet. This planet is just one in another couple hundred thousand, just hurtling through space._
> 
> _Like, if any of us disappeared today, it wouldn’t even be a drop in the bucket in the universe._
> 
> _Removing one drop of water from a swimming pool and asking the lifeguard to spot the difference...it would be impossible._
> 
> _-Sincerely me_

It was a little concerning, to say the least. Evan had emailed back the next morning when he had first seen the notification. He wondered if Connor had taken his fellow counsellors up on their weed offerings. Connor usually only came up with thoughts like that when he smoked pot.

But he had promised. He had promised to quit smoking. He had promised. Evan slammed his fist into his desk just thinking about it. A promise wasn’t much, but he had still broken it.

No. It wasn’t confirmed. He had no evidence.

* * *

Connor had taken Miguel up on his offer of a joint. It was just one. Evan didn’t have to know. Besides, maybe it would loosen his brain up a little so he could get to sleep in a timely fashion. What he wasn’t anticipating was the splitting headache the next morning or the frantic sounding email from Evan.

Connor frowned at the screen of his phone in the dim light of the cabin he was monitoring. He had a vague recollection of sending this email, though he really hadn’t meant it to sound so...ominous. So...suicidal.

But that’s what he was, wasn’t he? Just another pothead with suicidal tendencies. Another kid lost to the shuffle of the system, doomed to become a statistic. And you know what? Connor was okay with that. The thought didn’t bother him as much as he knew it should.

When he was younger, he had been terrified of the thought of dying. Now, it just seemed like something that was guaranteed to happen sooner or later. May as well happen on his own terms.

He really had no one left anymore. His parents had sent him to this stupid camp to get rid of him and force him to grow up in the first place. It was obvious that they wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Besides, they could pretend that they were their happy little family without him around.

Sure he had Evan, but he was just a burden to him. It was proven, time and time again. He was a burden on everyone and it was true...if he disappeared...it would be just a drop in the bucket. Less than a drop. Evan didn’t seem to agree with that sentiment.

> _**From** : Evan _
> 
> _**To** : Connor _
> 
> _**Subject** : Re: stars and planets _
> 
> _Dear Connor,_
> 
> _I would miss you if you disappeared. You don’t deserve that. I know you don’t usually reply in the mornings, but can you just...you know...send me a good morning email? I just want to know that you’re okay. I’m sorry. I know I’m worrying again. You really don’t have to email me if you want to. Its up to you. Sorry. I’m rambling now too._
> 
> _\- S_ _incerely me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just be honest, this is not the greatest work I've ever done, but I'm really trying to get over writer's block, so I'm just writing to see what happens.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: vague mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts

Evan glared down at his phone from his location on the floor of the storage shed. No matter how many times he refreshed his email, there was not a single new message. He knew that no matter how hard he tried, he wouldn’t be able to phone Connor.

Frowning before stuffing his phone back into his pocket, Evan emerged from the cabin and wandered back towards the trail that he knew would lead him to the main building on the site. Heart racing, Evan stumbled over the roots of trees, each step closer to the path sure to send him spilling to the forest floor.

Suddenly stopping, Evan frowned and looked down at his hands. How did he know that Connor was even still alive? Without an email in reply, Evan had no idea. Pulling out his phone once again Evan saw his fingers flying over the virtual keyboard more than felt it as he typed out what hoped was a cognisant email. He had no idea if it even read properly but Evan was shaking too hard, his fingers too clumsy and if he tried to read back over it, he knew he’d chicken out and delete the email. Pressing send before he could scare himself out of doing so, Evan watched the little icon whoosh across his screen.

> _**From** : Evan _
> 
> _**To** : Connor _
> 
> _**Subject** : Re: stars and planets _
> 
> _Connor please just email me back. I know wyour dont have an eail connection all the time, but if you could just, i dunno, said hello or something for me this mornigns i’d really like it._
> 
> _I love you_
> 
> _Evan_

* * *

Connor threw his phone at a tree and screamed. He knew that none of the kids that he was counselling could hear him and so he let himself feel a couple seconds of discomposure. Evan was...a little much sometimes. He was a lot. They seemed like they were polar opposites, even though Connor knew that they were actually quite similar.

He simply couldn’t understand why Evan needed to hear from him everyday. The less they talked, the less attached Evan would be to him. So that when he...did what he was planning on doing...he wouldn’t be leaving anyone behind. Evan had to move on. Daily emails weren’t helping either of their causes.

Slowly walking over to the tree that pieces of his phone were imbedded into, Connor picked up the shattered device and clicked the on button, hoping that the screen would come to life one last time. Slumping against the tree, the screen, though shattered, splintered and nearly unusable, he managed to pull up a blank email.

> _**From** : Connor _
> 
> _**To** : Evan _
> 
> _**Subject** : no subject _
> 
> _Dear Evan Hansen we’ve been way too out of touch. I feel like we have grown apart over this past month we’ve been apart. Me at camp, you at the Park. I know that we’re trying but it does not seem to be working, no matter what we do._
> 
> _I think that, at this point, until we both get back on our feet, that we need time apart. I do not think that either of us are ready for any kind of dating at all. I mean, you always need attention. My attention. I just don’t have it anymore. I have no more patience. It probably has something to do with the fact that my meds ran out up here at camp, and so I blame myself for this mess._
> 
> _I’m less than a drop in the ocean Evan. You’re smart, funny, and don’t deserve to be tethered to my side every step of the way. I’m not coming back into town next month. I probably won’t be back until the summer is over. I hope you find someone to be friends with at the Park. I know you need a friend, but I can’t be that for you. Not right now._
> 
> _\- Sincerely me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have a plan for these two, I promise. I'm working on it and I do have an outline of sorts that I'm following to help get me from point a to b. I'm just extremely sick right now and literally anything saps my energy ridiculously fast, so this will be a slow process with no updating pattern.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for weed, being outed, suicidal thoughts

There was something about breaking up with Evan that tweaked Connor’s brain. Really, he was the same person, but it gave him this feeling of recklessness. There was no one looking out for him or expecting him to come or force him to eat. If he wanted to stay awake all night and smoke with Miguel, he could. He had no Evan to report back to. To justify how he’d managed to break his clean streak.

It felt bad, knowing that almost an entire school year's worth of struggling through withdrawals and relapses was being flushed down the proverbial toilet. But honestly, he had had enough. He had no reason to stay clean.

And he’d done it to himself. He had been the one who had broken up with Evan. And it hurt. It hurt really bad. But he was just weighing Evan down and he knew it. So he did what he had to do. He had to protect Evan by doing the one thing he knew how to best. Cutting people out of his life who he loved. He’d done it to Zoe and his mother, Evan was just next on the list. Weed dulled the pain he felt and that was exactly what he needed.

Smoking out the window of Miguel’s beat-up Honda Civic on their way back into the city on weekend leave, Connor swallowed a lump in his throat. His high was muddling most thoughts, but the one that he kept coming back to was the simple fact that at some point this summer, he was going to have to come out to his parents.

He wanted to graduate as Connor Murphy and not Cora Murphy. He wanted all his classmates to remember him as a boy, not a girl. No matter that he probably wasn’t going to graduate with how bad his grades were and he really wouldn’t put it past himself that he might end up offing himself by the end of the year. Whatever. Cora Murphy was dead anyways.

He’d have to tell his parents this weekend. It was his last home leave from Camp that he’d get until the end of the summer holidays. One hand wedging its way into his pocket, Connor felt the little plastic bag of weed that Miguel had given him earlier that day. He could always drown out the world around him if he needed it. Then he’d head back to camp and he could go back to pretending that his parents didn’t exist. He bet they’d do the exact same thing come Sunday night.

* * *

It felt like a sack of bricks had been dropped on his chest. He and Connor had been struggling, relationship-wise, for a while. Basically all summer. As much as Evan wanted to blame himself for their colossal failures in maintaining contact, he realized after a couple of days that they were both at fault. That didn’t change the fact that he had no idea if Connor was alive or safe and that he’d just been broken up with.

The morning that he’d opened his phone to see Connor’s email, breaking up with him, Evan spent the entire hour that he’d set aside to eat breakfast and get ready to leave for the Park crying in his bed. Dragging himself downstairs to catch the bus, he forgot his lunch and phone on the counter. He had made it to work in time - which was a minor miracle - but had been a zombie-junior-park-ranger for the rest of the day. And the next day. And the day after that.

Four days later, his mother noticed that he wasn’t being himself. When she asked, Evan had broken down and told her everything. From the beginning to the end, he spared no details as he cried brokenly into her arms on their decrepit couch. Afterwards, Evan kicked himself for essentially outing Connor as transgender to his mother, but it had just slipped. What would one more regret in their relationship be?

“That's how you knew that you were in love,” his mother had said once Evan had calmed down slightly. Continuing once Evan could breathe normally again, his mother said, “I know that this is probably the last thing you want to do, but perhaps reach out to...Connor...and let him know that if he ever comes out to his parents and needs somewhere to stay, our couch is open.”

> _**From** : Evan _
> 
> _**To** : Connor _
> 
> _**Subject** : a contingency plan? _
> 
> _Dear Connor, I don’t know if I should even start this email this way after...well...you know. But it's natural at this point, so I decided to keep it._
> 
> _I just had a few things I wanted to say, just so we can leave this off on an okay note._
> 
>   1. _I respect your decision to break up with me. I understand that it wasn’t working out, so I will not beg for us to try to patch that back up, but I don’t want to lose you as a friend. We both have so few of those and I’d hate to lose you. Think about it?_
>   2. _My mom just found out about what happened between the two of us and in my panic, I accidentally called you Connor in front of her. I’m so sorry Connor, I know how badly you need this secret to be kept, but I made her promise not to tell anyone else and I know she’ll keep her promise_
>   3. _My mom wanted me to tell you that if you ever need somewhere to stay, our couch is open as long as you may need it for. Boyfriends or not, friends or not, you can stay here if you need._
> 

> 
> _I know this email was probably the last thing you wanted to see in your inbox but if you’ve managed to read this far, thank you for the time you spent. You don’t have to reply back or anything. You know where the spare key is, if you ever need to stay and no one is home._
> 
> _\- Sincerely me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TA DA! Another chapter is here after a month of nothing. Maybe all this social isolation is causing productivity?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~~~MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING~~~~~  
> \- suicide attempt  
> \- hospitals  
> \- ed  
> \- sh

Evan was watching the most mind-numbing documentary he could find. His mother was working at the hospital again. And she was staying late to cover for a friend. Again. So in an effort to ignore the grumbling of his unfed stomach, Evan had pulled up a documentary about the Eastern Wood Squirrel. If he couldn’t order food for himself, he didn’t deserve to eat.

Refreshing the email on his phone for the third time that hour, Evan scanned for a new email from Connor, who he hadn’t heard back from since he’d sent him the last one. It was only a week ago that he’d sent it and he figured that at this point, Connor never wanted to see him, let alone talk to him, again. At this point, it was just a habit to keep refreshing his email. A habit he couldn’t break.

The narrator of the documentary was in the process of explaining how the squirrels prepare for winter when his phone, now discarded on the sagging cushion beside him, started ringing. Evan had the urge to kick it across the room in a burst of momentary panic. Instead, he looked over and saw that the call display for his mother was on his screen. Picking it up with shaking hands, he readied himself for the usual, _“did you eat something yet honey?” or, “make sure you shower tonight honey.”_

“Hi mom,” Evan said, accepting the call.

“Hi honey,” his mother said into the line. She sounded weird, Evan thought. Maybe it was just his phone getting old, but it sounded like she was worried. Like how Evan felt any time he tried to interact with anyone in public when his throat closed up and he produced way too much saliva but couldn’t figure out a way to swallow it. That's how she sounded.

Mom never sounded like that at work.

Something had happened.

What had happened?

“Are you in bed yet?” she asked.

“Yup,” Evan lied, grateful that he’d remembered to mute the television before he’d picked up the phone.

“Evan honey, I don’t really know how to tell you this, but Connor was brought into the ER tonight,” his mother said and Evan felt his heart drop, “It's not looking good.”

* * *

Connor blinked his eyes open and was suddenly met with the glaringly bright fluorescent lights of what could have only been a hospital. He remembered when he was little and had broken his leg falling off of his bike. They’d had to perform surgery to set his femur and when he’d woken, he remembered looking up at almost the exact ceiling panels.

So.

He’d survived.

Of course.

The one thing he’d actually put his mind to in months and he’d managed to fail.

Squeezing his eyes closed as hard as he could, Connor tried to push the anger and fear as far as possible from the front of his mind and tried to take stock of what he could feel. And there wasn’t much. The fog of anesthetic was hugging his brain heavily and making it hard to focus on any singular thought other than the vague stab of pain from his left arm. Which really, nowadays, was not an uncommon feeling whatsoever. Besides, he was fairly certain that his left arm should have hurt more, given what he’d done to it just hours ago.

Was it hours ago? Connor frowned and realized that he actually had no idea what day or time it was, yet he really didn’t want to open his eyes to look for a clock. Because if he opened his eyes, it would just serve as further proof that he was still alive.

“Good morning,” a soft voice said. It was a woman’s voice, but, thankfully, it didn’t sound like it had come from either his mother or Zoe. Slowly cracking an eye open, Connor saw a nurse. Her back was towards him but her purple-flowered scrubs and wavy blond hair gave it away.

Heidi Hansen.

“Ms. Hansen?” Connor heard himself croak. His voice sounded far away from him and didn’t sound like him really at all. Like he was hearing himself speak on a recording.

“Do you know where you are?” she asked, turning around to face him, the bags under his eyes more pronounced than he thought he’d ever seen on her.

“At a hospital,” Connor replied, "Your hospital."

Trying to move his right arm to wipe the sleep out of his eyes but was met with resistance. Pulling harder, he felt something snagging tight around his wrist.

“Connor, stop struggling,” Ms. Hansen said approaching him before adding, “I’m going to raise your bed a little, okay?”

“Fine,” Connor replied, letting his arm go limp as his head was raised. In a slightly sitting position, he was now able to see more of the room. It seemed like an average hospital room. Looking down at his arms, he saw that there was a thick white bandage wrapped around his left arm from his wrist to his elbow. His right arm was attached to the side of the bed with a beige handcuff tie of some sort.

“Can you get these things off me,” Connor hissed, pulling at the restraints again.

“I’m sorry Connor, but those stay on until a doctor comes and talks to you. I can go get her now, if you’d like,” Ms. Hansen said, writing something on the clipboard she’d pulled off the foot of his bed.

“Fine,” he replied.

“Alright, I’ll go get her now,” she said before turning and leaving.

He was alone.

Again.

Always.

**Author's Note:**

> I fully realize that there is very little info about what happened during the summer between the 11th and 12th grades for Connor and Evan, so I'm fleshing it out a little.


End file.
